I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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