I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
