I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
