Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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