come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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