shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
