He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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