I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
