You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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