if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
