Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You are the jesus of drinking
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
