too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
