I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
