Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
