We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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