Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
