Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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