it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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