at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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