Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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