: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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