I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize