Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
