Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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