I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
