hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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