So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize