WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
