dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
