I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
