i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
