4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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