Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nicole vs. Life
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
