This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
