Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
pray to the hookup gods
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
