apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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