If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
