Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
