cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
