My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
