There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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