I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
