A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize