Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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