I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My feet surprised me
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