Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize