My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
