you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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