His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
