woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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