Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
