she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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