The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
