Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
