Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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