hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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