apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
