sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I need a beard to bite.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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