she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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