I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
