so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
