i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
