Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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