Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
