Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
